Rules for surviving the end of the world

There are plenty of crazy things to be prepared for these days, not to mention the end of the world. If you are seeking proper guidance in surviving anything from a zombie outbreak to a robot rebellion, then look no further my savvy survivor. The following are some of my rules to survive anything that goes down come doom’s day.

Rule #1 Be sure that you hoard everything right here, right now. Think about it, you may not want to eat that mushy thing in the fridge right now, but tomorrow if the world ends, gangs of bandits could be slaughtering each other over that strange mushy substance. So play it safe, and leave it in the fridge at least until someone else tries to eat it and throw it away. Then it’s their problem.

Rule #2 It’s not your problem. If your neighbor from down the street is banging on your door begging desperately to be let in to use the phone kindly direct him to the nearest existing payphone. Why? Simple, if it doesn’t affect you, it doesn’t matter. It is much better to stay isolated to avoid any potential dangers out there. The only exception to rule number two is if the person in need is extremely attractive or if the person has cookies. Cookies are yummy and imperative to your survival.

Rule #3 Never do your homework. This is a subtle strategy designed to hide your brilliance. If people assume that you are too dim to figure out your homework, then they totally will not suspect your brilliant ambushes and combat strategies should you decide to try and raid them for supplies and entertainment. Besides, you’ll be better off spending your time honing your fighting skills in your favorite video game, those moves are pretty easy to do yourself if you just watch them a bunch of times, right?

Rule #4 Keep your friends close to you. Those nights you spent out with the guys or the girls laughing and having a good time will have an excellent pay off in the near future. Give yourself time in each outing to assess their use to you in an emergency. Test their reflexes and jab at them with forks and stuff, don’t worry if it hurts them, it builds character.

Rule #5 Locate the fall guy. How do you outrun a crazed, man eating Macintosh computer? Simple, run faster than your friend. Find the least useful member of your group if you were foolish enough to actually join one and elect him/her to be the one left behind as a distraction or offering to whatever psycho that manages to get the drop on you. Look on the bright side, it buys everyone else time and the psycho gets a new friend to play with. Everyone wins.

Rule #6 Go out with a bang. Eventually, staying alive by playing it safe is going to seem boring, difficult, and like way too much work. If you are running out of supplies or some other thing that is critical to your health, like cookies, then take a stand! March on into whatever place holds the bad guys in this situation and demand that they surrender to you because they are totally outclassed, outmatched, and outwitted by you. Make any other demands that you please and if they give in to them, then you just got some free stuff! If they don’t, then what happens next could definitely win you some serious respect in the afterlife.

Now remember to follow these rules and lead a long, happy and successful life! The Crimson Chronicle claims no liability whatsoever if you try these ideas and get hurt because you did them wrong.

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