Should we enforce mask-wearing?

Leo Gilad

Chronicle Reporter

It’s a perfectly valid question. Should we enforce mask-wearing? This country would clearly benefit from compelling people to wear masks, right? 

Wrong. Sort of. It’s complicated.

If you told me you were on a campaign to get the government to enact a law forcing people to wear masks, I’d be cheering you on. But in the back of my mind I’d be thinking “Shoot. Good luck with that.” 88% of the country claims to wear masks whenever they’re outside. Of course, plenty of people enjoy looking like ethical and smart decision makers. And the other 12% doesn’t give a rat’s rear about public health. So when we talk about general America, we’re talking about two major groups of people:

Yuppies who want to feel like national heroes for wearing masks at Whole Foods. 

And thick-headed morons who want to feel like national heroes for not wearing masks at Walmart. 

If we made mask-wearing compulsory, here’s what would happen. Every single yuppie would suddenly lose that benign and delectable sense of heroism. After all, is it really heroic once you’re being forced to do it? That’s like holding someone at gunpoint and threatening to blast their brains out if they don’t save ten babies from a high-rise orphanage fire, and then patting them on the back when they barely get it done. So now you’ve lost the yuppies.

And as for the thick-headed morons? My, they’ll be positively furious at this turn of events. The government hasn’t even made mask-wearing compulsory and they’re already frothing at the mouth and raving about the powers that be. Just imagine their collective reaction at the government putting its foot down and telling them to shut their pie holes. 

It’ll be an all-out civil war. Shay’s Rebellion is going to look like a vegan food fight by the time the thick-headed morons take their trebuchets to the White House. 

Seriously. If you think a bunch of bored white guys with AK’s yelling at state houses were bad, just wait til the government makes their protests illegal. There will be blood. 

And the idiots’ numbers won’t shrink in the slightest

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