So everyone, and I mean everyone, has one thing on their mind this month: Valentine’s Day. Yeah, that’s right, it’s the one day in the year where girls (and guys too, lately) seem to lose their minds and money for their significant other. It’s a day for roses, teddy bears, and giddy giggles. Above all, it’s a wakeup call for all of you recently paroled romantics reading this to finally put yourselves out there and get in on some of the action! Just follow these simple instructions, and we guarantee you’ll have the perfect date in no time, or your money back!
Step 1. Personal Hygiene
This is arguably one of the most crucial attributes to the Suitor. Hygiene is defined as how close people are willing to stand next to you, so if you associate the amount of times you change your underwear with the number of times you’ve watched the Summer Olympics, then get out of my sight- you make me sick. But you don’t have to make me sick! If anything, you can at least fake your personal hygiene. You can start by drowning yourself in perfume or cologne- we suggest something strong enough to sedate a small elephant- and work your way up. If they’re gagging and crying, don’t worry; it’s from the sheer joy of you making an effort for them!
Step 2. Your Sunday Best
Not every single one of us can look like Humphrey Bogart or Sophia Loren, but then again, we don’t necessarily have to settle for looking like a pile of human waste, either. The first place to look to when you want to enhance your looks is 7/11, baby! When you’ve finished your Slurpee, the remaining chunks of ice and syrup can be reused as a means of reddening those juicy lips of yours. Do not forget that the grease on your Slim Jim wrapper makes for an excellent moisturizer. Be sure to apply enough convenience store products (men, we’re talking to you too) so that all of your flaws are concealed. Your face must, must, MUST match the texture of your leather wallet! Paint an entirely different face on if you have to! Put on some clothes that will constrict your very soul, because you want to flaunt what you’ve got. You can even use your 7/11 bag if you want- the more unique you look, the more desirable you will be. And you’ll really impress your date by being so environmentally friendly!
Step 3. Location, Location!
So you’re all dolled (or action-figured) up now, and you’re ready to go. The question is, where do you take your date? The staff at the Crimson Chronicle came to the unanimous conclusion that the perfect place to make your fairy tale come true is Walmart. No, not for shopping, and not even for the McDonald’s, but for the free samples and entertainment. Let’s face it, we’re all suffering from the recession, and the best things in life are always free! In addition to admittance into a circus spectacular featuring all sorts of intriguing creatures, you can get full off of all of the tasty samples. You can even knock over one of the displays so as to create a distraction so that you can get some extra Bagel Bites and Red Bull for your honey! You’ll make yourself look like a real catch for going through all that trouble to fill their cute little gullets with all of those miniature delicacies.
Step 4. Casual Chatter
Everyone knows that the first date is usually chock full of one of the following: awkward silence or awkward babble. You can avoid both by talking nonstop about either yourself or your ex. (Or both, if you know they’re a keeper). When talking about yourself, it is recommended that you tell your date all about that papercut you got when you mud-wrestled that tiger shark in Swaziland, or about your secret double life as a smuggler with the Hostess Twinkie cartel down in Mexico. Just make something up! It will impress them, and if they ever find out the truth, lie some more! Put that overactive imagination to use! When you’ve done this, you can then mention your ex. Tell them all about the things he or she used to do for you, how attractive you found them, all of the most intimate and personal details you can recall. It will let them know that they have big, expensive shoes to fill to even contend with your standards! They will appreciate this gesture from you, and don’t worry- their shifting glances and nervous laughter means it’s working!
So, I have now passed on my secret techniques to all of you. Go forth and succeed where everyone else has failed. And you can trust me, I’m an expert; these tricks have left tons of would-be dates so impressed that they were too intimidated to even call me back!
Camera & editor : Deborah Orozco